I Am Different Than You

あなたとは違うんです.

Back in the G+ days … maybe around 2013 or 2014 I had a blog and an online journal where I would write essays, similar to what I have now, just on a different domain.

I had written an essay about the different ways that I process information that seems different from everyone else.

At the time I was talking about foreground processing and background processing and how the difference is what made things harder for me than it probably needed to be.

A lot of my difficulties had to do with aphantasia (which really didn’t become “a thing” until 2015 or 2016) so I wasn’t even using that word back then to explain a lot of why things are so difficult for me.

I was essentially trying to breakdown concepts of neurodivergency before that word was commonplace.

I wanted to share some of that idea here and I’m trying to dig up that essay somehow using the Wayback Machine … I know it’s preserved somewhere …

I was explaining how I think that, for most people, living and performing actions, tasks, etc … is a bunch of background process that happen automatically. But for me everything is a foreground process that I have to cycle through line by line before anything can happen.

I’m aware of every single line of code that my brain is going through to send information to the rest of my body … it’s happening in real time and it’s like scrolling through lines of computer code and having to stop and read each line before you can let the process run.

It is … incredibly difficult and distracting.

For most people they are going to the kitchen to get a glass of water because they are thirsty …

For me its …

1. Awareness of something off in the body.
2. Figuring out what that something is.
3. Going through a checklist to figure out what the problem is
4. Figuring out it’s “thirsty”
5. Going through the different options of what is available.
6. Getting up out of my chair
7. (insert sub-process of getting up)
8. Getting a glass
9. (insert sub process of getting a glass)

I don’t even have all the room to breakdown the sub-process of each step in the process because I think it would blow your mind.

For most people it’s just get up and get a drink and it’s unconscious and simple and just one moment to handle the problem and go back to what they are doing.

It is not like that for me. There is a “hyper-awareness of process” that takes over and everything happens in the foreground not the background.

It makes a simple process take forever or not happen at all.

Some people have “habits” but I have processes.

Your habit is something that is made up of a bunch of processes – like getting water because you are thirsty or brushing your teeth.

There are a lot of steps that happen in the background and for you it’s just one step. But in reality your brain is doing a lot of stuff and you just take that for granted and aren’t aware of all those steps.

I am aware.

It’s impossible not to go through each step. It’s impossible to just “do the thing”.

When I was in elementary school we did an exercise called “How To Make A Peanut Butter And Jelly Sandwich” and you have to write out instructions and then hand the instructions to someone else and they do exactly what you have written and they fail miserably.

It’s supposed to teach you that you don’t realize how complicated it actually is to make a sandwich or how many steps have to be clearly communicated.

I was the “weird kid” who asked for multiple sheets of paper, not just one.

But my instructions were nearly perfect … because those processes are clear in my mind because that’s how my brain always worked.

I think that is one of the fundamental differences between a lot of people who are considered neurodivergent or who have high functioning ADHD or other neurodifferences … foreground processing and hyper-awareness of that processing.

It makes life very hard. It makes just doing anything, including socializing, very, very difficult and draining.

One of the reasons I’m constantly speaking about how it’s important to understand that your reality is not everyone else’s reality is because life is HARD for certain people for reasons you may not have any possible way of imagining. You can’t know how people think or process or what difficulties they may be struggling with.

My life is beyond most people’s understanding and even imagining and I think the same about other people … I can’t understand how they process things either.

If you ask me why I’m doing something or feeling something I can break down for you all the reasons in detail without spending too much time on it. I’m hyper-aware of all the processes involved in how I behave or why I am doing something.

The “hyper-awareness of process” is something that I think sets some neurodivergent people apart from neurotypical people. I think there is a level of self awareness that comes with having all processes that happen in the mind and body in the foreground that makes some neurodivergent people seem “off” or “sensitive” or “strange” … but to me I think the lack of awareness that some neurotypical people have is what makes them seem “broken”, “dysregulated”, unpredictable, and dangerous.

For many people if you ask them why they are doing something or feeling something that have absolutely no clue because they have never stopped to think about who they are or their own behaviors and everything is on automatic and in the background.

I find that horrifying. I find most neurotypical people impossible to deal with or even talk to.

But I also find that how my brain does things makes life so much harder and complicated and it can get in the way of me sometimes just enjoying things in a “normal” or “typical” way.

I am aware that TOO MUCH information can be distracting and problematic just as TOO LITTLE information can be dangerous and create other problems.

For people who have a middle ground that’s amazing for you … that’s probably ideal but that’s just not how my brain works at all.

You can’t know what it’s like to be in my head … to have aphantasia, to be a synesthete, to be neurodivergent in a few different ways … and then on top of that to have a chronic illness and live with chronic pain and also be Black and also be female and also deal with racism and just try to survive every single day. You have no idea how difficult it is for me and I have no idea how difficult your issues and your complexities make life for you. I can’t possibly know … I’m not you.

All we can do is share our truth and our lived experiences and our journey with one another and try to make way for understanding … even if there is no true way to have someone understand what it’s like to walk in your shoes or live in your mind or reside in your body … all you can do is try to communicate and hope that paves the way for empathy.

You can’t ever truly know anyone but you can LISTEN and you can try to UNDERSTAND.

Your lived reality is not everyone’s lived reality.

You only know YOUR reality and YOUR truth and it doesn’t apply to everyone in the history of the world … only you.

You are not the center and EVERYONE is different than you.