No One Likes You For You. (Not Even You)

𝘞𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘐 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬 𝘯𝘰 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘴 𝘮𝘦. 𝘞𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘐 𝘤𝘳𝘺 𝘯𝘰 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘴 𝘮𝘦. 𝘞𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘐 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘯𝘰 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘴 𝘮𝘦. 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘪𝘧 𝘐 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦, 𝘪𝘧 𝘐 𝘥𝘰 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨, 𝘪𝘧 𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘸𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘢 𝘥𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘴, 𝘪𝘧 𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘺 𝘮𝘺 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵, 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘖𝘕𝘌 𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘮𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘶𝘥𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘦 𝘐 𝘦𝘹𝘪𝘴𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘦 𝘰𝘳 𝘱𝘶𝘯𝘪𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘱𝘳𝘪𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘺. 𝘐 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘭𝘺 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘣𝘭𝘦𝘮, 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘣𝘦𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘪𝘯𝘷𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘣𝘭𝘦. – Elaine Barlow (1983)

This was the standard structure of my reality from my childhood …

That reality only changed slightly as I got older … through high school and college and beyond – even today – I notice that what changed is only that people pretend to like me until they don’t.

It wasn’t so much that I didn’t exist until I pissed someone off, but it became I existed, until people decided I didn’t to them. The motivation is the same as when I was a child though … disapproval of who I was at my core.

At least my parents never wasted time on pretending to like me. I have always preferred how my parents saw me. It was clear and simple. It was more direct.

It was simply … “Be who we want you to be or else.”

As I got older it was “I like you for who you are, until …” or it was people pretending to like who I was.

The “me” that my parents disliked and wanted to beat down and control was really no different than the me that I am today. My voice is more refined, and I am more knowledgeable, but it’s basically just difference between the old me that doesn’t stand for any bullshit or abuse anymore.

Most people want you to be what they want OR you are only who they PERCEIVE you to be … but very few people truly like you for you.

Who are you? Do you even know? Aren’t we all a work in progress?

It is always going to be … “I like you for who you are AT THIS MOMENT” … because people should always be evolving, learning, changing, shifting … so you are only you at a given moment in time.

Where is the someone who likes you for who you were, who you are, and who you can be or might be?

It takes a lot more empathy, understanding, and critical thinking to see people as WHOLE PEOPLE and to see people REALISTICALLY instead of IDEALLY. I’ve met FEW with these abilities.

Realism includes the understanding that people are complex and evolving on a regular basis.

Realism includes the understanding that some people will NEVER change.

Realism includes having the clarity to know the difference.

Anger and disappointment with others are simply your collisions of hope and reality.

Your ideals and expectations have no business being the foundation of how you determine someone else’s value, only your own. Your ideals and expectations are personal to you, specific to you, and based on your life. Seeing OTHERS only through the lens of what YOU WANT from them is a precursor to abuse. A relationship based on only one person’s desires and expectations will be broken and unhealthy.

I mean come on … even D/s has a FOUNDATION OF BALANCE and understanding of what BOTH people need.

In psychology there is “Unconditional Positive Regard”

A general definition is the attitude of complete acceptance and love, whether for yourself or for someone else. When you have unconditional positive regard for someone, nothing they can do could give you a reason to stop seeing them as inherently human and inherently lovable. It does not mean that you accept each and every action taken by the person, but that you accept who they are at a level much deeper than surface behavior.

Unconditional positive regard is not about liking someone or accepting everything they have done; it’s about respecting them as a human being and operating under the assumption that he or she is doing the best they can.

In stoicism there is the idea that our ability to understand and have acceptance of others stems DIRECTLY from our ability to have understanding and acceptance of OURSELVES.

So, no one likes you for you … probably not even you.

𝘉𝘦 𝘵𝘰𝘭𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘤𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧. – Marcus Aurelius