#FirstCoffeeThoughts
I was reading the DSM for fun when I was in middle school. I found it fascinating and I was really interested in psychology back then. I remember my parents and many other adults and my peers calling me “pretentious”
Just by reading or engaging in deeper ideas and deeper levels of thought I was “claiming greater excellence” even though reading was my way of avoiding people.
When my parents sent me to Camp Atwater … a summer camp primarily for African American kids where I experienced the most brutal physical bullying and what I know now to be gaslighting … one of the biggest reasons I was targeted was because I liked to go off by myself and read Piers Anthony books or comic books and somehow … just by engaging with literature … I was “thinking I was better than everyone else” and deserved to be physically harmed for that …
If I asked questions about things at home I was whipped. If I challenged teachers at school I was punished or given detention.
If I did anything outside of LISTEN, SHUTUP, and OBEY I was going to be physically or psychological tormented in someway to teach me how to be a “better person” and a more “respectful young lady” or “less pretentious”.
None of that worked … it just made me realize that everyone but me was a wildly dangerous lunatic.
Fun fact: people say the same about me now.
People will tell me now that I’m not educated enough because I don’t read as much as they do or because I didn’t get more than 1 degree in college or because I didn’t have the kind of upbringing they did.
People still seem to equate reading LOTS of books with intelligence … that if you aren’t well read and don’t know enough big words you’re basically an idiot.
So when I was younger it was bad that I read too much and now that I’m older I’m an idiot because I don’t read enough?
What I learned growing up is that no matter what you do … you can’t please everyone (or anyone to be honest) and that people will ALWAYS hate you for being yourself. Whatever that looks like … they will despise it or resent it or want to destroy it if they CANNOT CONTROL IT. My parents, my teachers, my peers, people online, all they want is to be able to control everything and everyone around them to make sure they always come out on top … because of their own crippling insecurities.
The world hates a confident person who ISN’T A PSYCHOPATH.
If you’re confident AND a psychopath or sociopath then you’re an ideal person for our oppressive, capitalist, racist society that rewards people – especially white psychopathic men – for being inhuman, money hungry, misogynistic, unwell, dysregulated, and easily controlled solely by their ego.
If you are a confident, educated person – or god forbid a woman – who thinks beyond societal programming, you need to be punished.
If you are a confident, educated, Black woman … especially one who speaks up for themselves, who speaks their lived reality, who speaks their truth, and who generally makes broken people uncomfortable … then you absolutely need to be put in your place by any means necessary … bullying, death threats, insults, physical, emotional, and psychological violence, racism, misogynoir … you name it. If it works to try and control the uncontrollable it will be used.
Society HATES an outlier.
I think no matter how I exist in the world … as long as I open my mouth and speak there will be people who want me to shut the fuck up or, as has been suggested to me in the past, that I should unalive myself.
People want to control everything around them that keeps the status quo that they are used to. Anything that keeps them in the hierarchy that rewards them for being who they are … even if (especially if) they are dangerous, dysregulated, abusive, broken, and negative.
You can conform to the world or you can be yourself … but if you choose yourself you will be shunned, harmed, attacked, bullied, and pushed out of society.
Society doesn’t want you to be yourself. The people around you probably don’t either. My parents didn’t. My teachers didn’t. My peers didn’t and even now I meet people who hate me for who I am … because I remind them of who they are not.
I’m to blame for their insecurities just by existing.
It’s not pretentious to be yourself.
Don’t let people make you believe such nonsense. It’s a trick; a trap to make you feel less than so that they can feel greater than.
If anything it’s THOSE PEOPLE who are the pretentious ones. The people that work so hard to knock people down just so they can elevate themselves.
Don’t give such people any of your power or attention. They’re broken.
Here’s the trick I learned when I was a teenager:
https://counter.social/@thewebrecluse
Simply THE BEST social network available right now.
No trolls. No bots. No algorithms. No abuse.
No nonsense. Real people. Real content.