Many years ago I taught a Communication Course and I am still in contact with many of my old students who tell me often about how lessons they learned help them in their lives regularly. We have a chat group where they often share situations that come up where they see examples of horrible communication, misunderstandings, or what I called Negative Selection Preference (NSP) or Selective Hearing which is usually done by incredibly insecure people. Knowing your audience goes a very long way.
So, my student said they were emailing a colleague in another department with a question about an issue that came up. He recognized that this is something for this other department but wanted to be sure to understand what exactly had gone wrong in case he ever sees it again so he asked them if they could explain it (as opposed to just fixing it). He just simply wanted to learn. It’s always good to understand how other departments work even if you don’t work in them.
The person explained it and my student wrote:
“Thank you so much for helping with that. Those things are usually above my pay grade and I like to learn as much as I can.”
My student later heard from his boss that the colleague was complaining about him and what he had said.
So … if anyone has a guess about how Negative Selection Preference (NSP) or Selective Hearing works, I wonder if you can work out what the colleague was upset about.
Negative Selection Preference (NSP) or Selective Hearing is a phenomenon that occurs when people choose to only focus on the words in a sentence that only have a negative connotation for them or represent a negative foundation from which they can judge or attack the speaker both regardless of what the words may actually mean and regardless of how they are used, and even sometimes in certain cases, completely leaving other words out that provide context. NSP happens often in people who are insecure or predisposed to anger or confrontational approaches to communication.
This is common in VERBAL communication but does actually happen often in WRITTEN communication because of a disconnect or and override of orthographic mapping:
𝘋𝘶𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘤𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘷𝘪𝘴𝘶𝘢𝘭 𝘥𝘢𝘵𝘢 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦𝘯 𝘪𝘯 𝘣𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘺𝘦𝘴 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵 𝘮𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘭𝘢𝘮𝘶𝘴. 𝘈𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘦𝘦 𝘤𝘶𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘺𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘮𝘴 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘥𝘢𝘵𝘢 𝘣𝘦𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘮𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘦𝘹. 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘦𝘹 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘳𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘱𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘩𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘭𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘺.
When trauma overrides mapping you get this kind of disconnect.
The person said they were offended by his tone and that he shouldn’t ask for help and then be so dismissive.
So based on that, I’ll translate what my student wrote through the NSP brain:
Instead of:
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘬 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘴𝘰 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘱𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵. 𝘛𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘶𝘴𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘮𝘺 𝘱𝘢𝘺 𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘐 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯 𝘢𝘴 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘢𝘴 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯.
They read:
Thank you for helping. Those things are 𝙗𝙚𝙡𝙤𝙬 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙖𝙮 𝙜𝙧𝙖𝙙𝙚.
Now, many people’s first instinct is just to say the person is stupid or that they read too fast or whatever … but it’s actually way more complicated than that.
Sure … they read too fast, but as I explained … what you read is fed through the cortex and the orbitofrontal cortex is sensory integration, the modulation of autonomic reactions, and participation in learning, prediction and decision making for emotional and reward-related behaviors.
Think about how you read and how that information first has to go through all of your trauma, triggers, hang ups, biases, and subconscious maladaptations FIRST … before it ever gets to the point of being PROCESSED.
Reading too quickly means you only pick up on words that have specific meaning to you and THEN you process those through an existing filter that has been designed by trauma, triggers, hang ups, biases, and subconscious maladaptations.
It’s even worse when you are LISTENING.
At least with WRITTEN words you have a chance to STOP, THINK, REPROCESS, and read each word carefully in order to make sure that the information is comprehended without bias. When you’re only LISTENING to someone there is no opportunity for that to happen which is why that game Telephone – where one person whispers something into another person’s ear down a line and eventually you get something completely different – is such a fun and disturbing exercise to do in Communication Class.
Everything you see, feel, do, read, etc first has to be processed by your BRAIN and if you have a brain that has been shaped by abuse or by trauma then the filters through which all information goes are stained by that. Even information that is written down can be misread and misinterpreted by those stained filters and what you end up with is Negative Selection Preference. It can be a CHOICE and it can also be completely SUBCONSCIOUS until someone points it out to you that it’s happening.
You can tell a lot about people by how they RESPOND to information and the use of the word 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘷𝘦 gives me a pretty good guess at what this person’s issues are especially given that the phrase 𝘱𝘢𝘺 𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘥𝘦 was not only misinterpreted and completely reframed (above changed to below) for Negative Selection but that it was also clearly the triggerpoint.
It’s easy to judge people and call them stupid or emotionally immature or lazy readers or simply just assholes in a bad mood … but from a stoic perspective there is more to be gained in understanding people than in condemning them. One is a very positive and enlightening thing and the other leads to anger and is fueled by negativity which only stains you.
My student wasn’t worried because his written email speaks for itself. He was in no trouble from his boss and he only felt pity, not anger.
In my class I focused on teaching Communication as not being some perfect global standard but that it’s a process of expression that is easily tainted by those participating in it. Verbal communication is a horrendous way to try to express meaning from one person to the next. Every single thing has to be processed by very different brains. Communication, in my class, was a process of UNDERSTANDING people first and expressing meaning second.
If you want an example of how verbal communication is a mess you should try learning and communicating using sign language. Sign language is a visual language and it requires seeing the person as well as reading signs. Different people sign in different ways but you have to be making eye contact in order to begin to understand what is being expressed. You cannot “pretend” to listen or not give full attention when someone is signing unlike verbal communication.
I said at the beginning:
𝘕𝘦𝘨𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘚𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘗𝘳𝘦𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 (𝘕𝘚𝘗) 𝘰𝘳 𝘚𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘏𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘴 𝘶𝘴𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘣𝘺 𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘥𝘪𝘣𝘭𝘺 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘦𝘤𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦. 𝘒𝘯𝘰𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘢𝘶𝘥𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘨𝘰𝘦𝘴 𝘢 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘢𝘺.
Children who grew up in abusive households are very good at recognizing NSP. It becomes ingrained in how you learn to navigate explosive and unpredictable environments. You gain 6th, 7th, and 8th senses when it comes to how to keep yourself safe based on body language and learning how your words will get heard.
There is a pre-filter that exists in the conscious mind of abuse victims … I could always tell with great accuracy students of mine who grew up in traumatic situations and abusive households because they had EXCELLENT non-verbal communication cue accuracy and were really good at knowing how to change how they spoke depending on emotional and physical cues from other people. Many people have this pre-filtering switch between friends, family, and coworkers, others have it with everyone.
Empathy goes a LONG way in effective communication and some abuse survivors have high levels of empathic ability. Empathic communication requires active listening and many trauma survivors have heightened levels of active non-verbal communication interpretation as a protective measure. I’m not saying AT ALL that trauma makes for better communication. I’m saying that a side effect of heightened states of awareness and safety measures is sometimes a high level of empathic analysis.
Great NSP Example⬇️
As you can see … you don’t have to look too far to find examples of NSP happening in your daily life and in daily conversations with others.
Use your new knowledge to navigate them with wisdom and awareness.
𝘙𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘰𝘯 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘩 𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘥; 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳, 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘥𝘦𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘴 𝘢𝘥𝘫𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵, 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘢𝘺 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘴𝘶𝘧𝘧𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘴𝘤𝘰𝘱𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘤𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘵𝘩; 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘢 𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘳𝘺: 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘰𝘯 𝘸𝘪𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘢 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘥𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯; 𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘪𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘴 𝘪𝘵𝘴 𝘥𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵. – Seneca (On Anger)
Reference URLs